Job Description: Mom to Max and Kizzie

I've been thinking a lot lately about my different experiences being a new mom to Max and a new mom to Kizzie. I wonder often if I am doing a better job than I did with Max. Many factors have come into play, and I realize that with Max for over a year I was checked out mentally and struggled with every new situation. Don't worry, I'm not trying to be hard on myself, but I'm looking back on the whole journey with Max at the beginning of his life finally free from the fog of depression, anxiety, and the relentless pursuit of perfection as a mother. Unless you have experienced the numbness of depression, and the utter hopelessness that it shoves on your shoulders, you probably think that I'm being melodramatic. Max was unique--a wonderful blessing sent to us from Heavenly Father. And the realization of his special needs brought shock, sadness, fear, and wonder. Every new visit to the doctor and milestone brought questions: Am I doing enough to help him? Why isn't he nursing well? What does the MRI mean? Will Max be "normal"? (Ha!) Then the move brought untold stress and deeper depression. I hated my job and came home in zombie mode--barely getting into the routines of taking care of Max and dealing with his endless tantrums and frustration.

That time eventually passed, with more comfort for both Max and me. Kizzie's birth has been different, her gentle spirit calming our home (unless she's hungry) and bringing me so much joy. I'm a happier person now, more confident in my abilities as a mother and just enjoying every little step of Kizzie's journey. I'm working 6 hours a week. We're poor, but it's so nice just to kiss and hug her in the mornings and soak her little baby self up. The guilt is gone. I will have no regrets (well, few regrets) about this stage in my life. Is it perhaps the fact that I realize how precious my little souls are? I appreciate every little moment of my children's life, because my special child made me see what Heavenly Father wants me to see about trials. They are painful, seemingly endless, but completely worth it. Do I think that I'm some kind of special mother that was chosen to raise my Special Needs child? No, I just feel that I'm doing my best and trying to learn as I go. Hopefully Max will have more memories of me as I am now--happy, engaged in the world, and involved with life!