Friday, February 18, 2011

Giuli's Top Ten

My sister told me about a show where ladies that didn't know that they were pregnant have their babies in the Burger King restroom, etc. I would like to go on record and say that there is NO way that any normal person would be unaware of their pregnancy. EVEN if she had no morning sickness and was fat.
I am fat, and pregnant, and here are my Top Ten Signs That You Are In the Advanced Stages of Pregnancy:

10. Your joints loosening make you waddle like an uncomfortable duck.
9. Just drinking water gives you heartburn.
8. Putting on your shoes has become an Olympic marathon (for more than one reason).
7. You are running to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so.
6. Your patience has dwindled to the size of a grain of rice, and perhaps it is the scary look on your face that warns people that you come in contact with so that they don't get hurt.
5. Your brain function dissipates in the middle of a sentence. And we're talking sentences like "My name is . . ."
4. Strangers in public start giving you looks of pity and are giving up their seats and their spots in potty lines.
3. Small children want to hug you all of the sudden, and people want to rub your belly like you are the Buddha.
2. You feel that making it to the end of the day deserves a cookie, or at least a serious foot rub.


1. You can actually feel something touching your organs from the inside, on places like your bladder and stomach. Yes, there are nerves there, I promise. If I didn't know that I was pregnant, and felt these scraping and hitting sensations from the inside of my body, I would be convinced (besides the obvious answer) that an alien was about to burst from my chest and sing "Hello My Darlin" al la Space Balls. With a cane, and top hat.

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